


The pet dilemma

by Imperfectcurl



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-10-15 08:59:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17525714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imperfectcurl/pseuds/Imperfectcurl
Summary: Bucky wanted a dog but didn't get it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Cold Comfort](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17432195) by [Imperfectcurl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imperfectcurl/pseuds/Imperfectcurl). 



> Based off of some comments from Cold Comfort.

“Stark.” He stopped in front of the other man and folded his arms over his chest. Immediately, he unfolded them, remembering their conversation on being less 'murder-y.'

“I’m coming; I’m coming. I just need to finish this one thing and then we can go,” Stark declared, waving distractedly at him from his perch on the couch.

“Why is there a squirrel eating a peanut in our bed?”

“Where else would he sleep?”

“Outside.”

“It’s cold outside.”

“That’s why they have fur.”

“He hurt his foot.”

“That’s why they have two feet.”

“You’re so uncaring. Little Bucky needs our help—he fell from the birdfeeder, you know!”

“Let me get this straight, I can’t get a _dog_ but you can have a sq—wait, did you just say Bucky?!”

“That’s his name!”

“That cannot be his name!”

“He already agreed to it.”

“Squirrels cannot agree to names, Tony.”

“Bucky’s smart. He totally can.”

“You’re not naming him Bucky.”

“I’ve already made a plaque and everything,” he huffed, waving at the hologram in front of him where ‘Bucky’ was written like one would ‘Fido’ over a miniature, overly-detailed version of their tower.

“That’s what you’re working on?!”

“Well, how else will Bucky know where he lives?!”

“You’re not making him a house, we’re not keeping him, and his name is _definitely not Bucky!_ ”

“Fine. You tell Bucky he has to go back outside.”

“I will.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

God dammit. Squirrels better be able to learn how to fetch. (kill, don't tell Stark)


	2. aw, octopus no...

He found his boyfriend stretched out on their perfectly-made bed, ankles crossed, in a pair of sweatpants and an Ironman t-shirt.  With Bucky asleep on his chest, the man appeared to be reading one of those supernatural murder mysteries he liked so much, claiming it was nice to know that _some things_ still aren’t real.

It was beautifully peaceful.

Unlike the horror fest in the living room.

“James, Snowdrop, light of my life,” Tony started, plopping down in the bed beside the man’s hip. “Why is there a mass grave of octopuses in the living room?” He held up a bright blue stuffed animal the size of his head with only three measly legs still managing to stay on.

He wiggled it in emphasis.

James ignored him.

“ _Because_ if this is some weird Hydra thi—holy mother fucking Christ!” Tony immediately dropped the animal when Bucky launched himself from James’ chest and proceeded to tear the toy to pieces. More disturbingly, the squirrel proceeded to drag one of the newly sacrificed tentacles back to his resting place, curl his little limbs around it, and go right back to sleep.

Tony stared, slowly unfurling from his alarmed pill-bug impression.

James turned the page in his book.

“James. James, what was that? Don’t ignore me, James! This is not okay!” Eventually, with the pointed lack of response, he picked up the mauled toy, where the face was just a mass of burst stuffing now. “Poor octopus…”

“I believe it’s called a bi-pod now.”

The genius threw the toy at the smug bastard’s face. “This is exactly why you can’t have a dog!”


	3. Who does Bucky love the most?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone seemed to really like these little one offs so I'll just keep making them whenever they pop into my head; please enjoy :)

I made a mistake, he thought, at the sound of incoming footfalls as he held out a reward to Bucky.

“Ah hah!”

Bucky scampered to hide without taking the treat. James raised his gaze to watch his genius, leaning over and panting dramatically—he had Extremis, there was literally no reason for his panting other than for effect—with an accusing finger raised.

“I _knew_ you were bribing him to love you more!”

He attempted to roll the reward between his fingers to hide in his palm just as the man’s gaze landed on the offending item. The scandalized gasp made him cringe.

So many mistakes.  

“ _You’re the blueberry thief!”_

He dropped the blueberry into the clamshell container and tossed it on the coffee table as Tony marched over and grabbed one of the couch pillows.

“’Maybe squirrels can get into refrigerators, Tony’ my ass!” He punctuated each word with a pillow smack. “I yelled at Peter over those!”

James laughed, covering his head with his arms and falling on his side to get away. When Tony only climbed after him to continue his assault, he grabbed at the hands and finally managed to wrestle the genius into a pillowless state straddling his lap. He raised an eyebrow. “How long have you been standing out in the hallway?”

“That is absolutely none of your business. Bucky! Come here and scratch your dad’s face!”

“Don’t be vindictive just because I’m his favorite, Tony.” He clicked his tongue as Bucky came back out from his hiding place to join them. "Aren’t I, buddy?"

“Excuse me, if I knew bribing was on the table, that squirrel would be so fat he’d have to roll.” The genius slipped out of his grip and lifted Bucky up, scratching his head. “Daddy is cheating, Little Nut.”

“I’m not bribing him!”

“Then why are you—I swear to god, James, if you are teaching him another attack word, I will kill you. I will _not_ be subjected to more mangled octopuses’ limbs under my pillow!”

“You love those limbs; that’s him telling you he loves you.”

“That’s him telling me he will murder things for me!”

He grinned. “What’s wrong with that? That’s how I tell you all the time.”

The man rolled his eyes and grumbled. “He’s supposed to take after me. _I_ rescued him; you didn’t even want him.”

“Maybe you’ll have better luck with the next one.”


	4. Valentine's Day part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's gift goes a bit wonky  
> P.S. I imagined this to occur very early on when Bucky first comes around (pre-teaching Bucky kill codes)

“Anthony Edward Stark!”

Tony lurched out of a deep sleep. “Mnahm?” He scrubbed his face and tried to figure out what woke him up. Tony reached over to James’ side of the bed, only to find it empty and cold. So not a blowjob.

“Stark!”

He threw off the covers and ran into the living room, the gauntlet in his watch forming.

“Shoo!”

He whirled around to find James perched up on the counter in the kitchen with a knife in his hand; Bucky, bristled like a bottle brush, balancing atop the man’s head.

“What’s wrong?!”

“The Roombas are revolting!” The man growled, shifting on the counter to follow the little cluster of round robots as they wiggled back and forth across the floor below him.

Tony sagged in relief and shook his wrist as the gauntlet retreated. “Oh. That.” He expelled the breath he’d been holding and, full of pride, sauntered over into the kitchen to help. “Aren’t they great?!”

“Do something!”

“They’re fine, James. They’re just excited!”

James slowly, apprehensively, started to get down but retreated immediately when one of the Roombas made a whirling sound and blinked its little red light a few times; it bumped softly into the cabinet underneath his feet. “How and _why_ are they excited?!”

“I call them F.I.D.O.S, Fully Integrated Doggie Operating Systems.” Tony grinned and picked up one of the little wigglers to cradle. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Winterberry!”

The assassin stared at him.

His grin extinguished in the silence that followed. “… You hate them.” The genius dropped to his knees and began to turn them off. “They’re stupid; I’m sorry.”

“What are you doing, stop!” The man wedged the knife into the counter before climbing down off the counter and wrestling Tony away.

He struggled in James’ iron grip as the man wrapped his arms around his body from behind and dragged him close. “I should have just stuck with flowers! I’ve ruined it!”

“Tony…”

The little roombas nervously congregated around the two, whirling and making little patterns with their lights. Tony slumped, the fight gone. “I know you weren’t thrilled about Bucky, so I thought if I made you puppies, you’d be happy…”

“I love Bucky.”

“You tolerate Bucky.”

“I do not.”

“You frown.”

“I always frown.”

“You frown more when Bucky’s around.”

“I just hate that we named him Bucky.”

“He named himself that.”

“For the thousandth time, squirrels do not name themselves, Tony.”

“This one did.”

James buried his face into Tony’s bedhead. “Whatever, I’m naming these ones.”

“…I have veto power.”

“You have no such thing; they are my dogs.”

Tony smiled, pleased. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” James kissed his way across Tony’s face to his mouth and lingered. “Thank you, Doll…But maybe six was a bit excessive.”

“They’re pack animals!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's gift will come later today


	5. Valentine's Day part 2

 “Here’s your card.” Tony dropped into James’ lap and proceeded to wrap around him like an octopus. “What are we watching?”

“British Bake-Off.”

“Haven’t we seen all of these?”

“You suggested a hobby, I am hobby-ing.”

“I suggested you make me more cake. It’s not the same thing.”

“Keep talking and you get no gifts.”

“What?! No-o. I got you puppies!”

James reached across the coffee table and grabbed up two red envelopes, handing them over. “Here, open these first.”

“Two?” Tony unhooked his arms and sat up. Taking the cards, he carefully opened the bigger one first. Inside was a card with a blueberry holding hands with a shy strawberry and the phrase ‘I love you berry much’ written across the top.  Opening the card, he found a plum kissing a pear. “Because you’re just plum pear-fect to me,” Tony recited. “What’s this say?” He pointed at the illegible scribble between where James had signed ‘I’d take a bullet for you, Ежик’ and ‘love, James.’

James looked away from his own ‘you put the ass in assassin’ card, a dopey smile over his face. “Hm? Oh, says ‘unless I fired it.’”

Tony laughed and leaned in to give James a loving kiss. “I love you too.”

James smiled and kissed the genius again.

“What’s the other card? Could you not decide?” Tony set his card lovingly down on the table and proceeded to open the second one. It was a single sheet with a squirrel on the front with a little pile of acorns and ‘I’m nuts about you, Valentine!’ printed neatly on the bottom. Tony turned it over and found tiny little paw prints walking across the paper every which way in red ink. What was clearly supposed to be ‘squirrel handwriting’—turns out squirrels have equally terrible scripts as assassins but weirdly alternate between capital and lower-case letters—wrote out “Bucky” in the only uncovered space. “James…”

“Peter says that’s what you do, when you have pets…”

Tony pretended to rub an itchy eye to cover his tearing up. “Are these his real prints?”

“Yeah; by the way… We need talk about re-carpeting the office…”

Tony gave a watery laugh and hugged James tight. “I love it so much.”

James squeezed him back. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” He cupped the man’s face and kissed him lovingly, long and slow. Tony ended it with a little nip of his teeth on the man’s kiss-swollen bottom lip. “Best gift ever.”

“Not your gift, doll.” James hooked an arm around his waist for support and proceeded to lean all the way out to drag a red box tied with a black bow out from under the coffee table.  

Tony bent down and picked up the box. Setting it on James’ chest, he proceeded to carefully remove the ribbon before dropping it on the man’s face. “I’m not sure this is big enough to cover your package but your dick better be in it by the end of the night.” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully. James sat up and slipped his hands under Tony’s ass.

With a kiss and a squeeze, he replied, “Behave and open my gift.”

Tony pouted and dragged off the top. “… What the fuck is that.” The genius picked up the forearm-long plushie by one of its perky, fuzzy ears and lifted it out like it’d bite him—which it might. He pushed the box onto the floor and held the thing out at arms length to get a good look: a six-armed, 2-legged squirrel with little beady eyes and a dark brown tail to match its ears. (image--> https://imgur.com/qAD3Cb8) 

James laughed, obviously very pleased with himself. “It-it’s a squirrel-spider!”

“Where do you even find these?!” Tony flicked each of the individual arms in horror.

“Friday helped me get it made!”

“I gave you puppies for this?!”

“I know; my present is _so_ much better!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent an inordinate amount of time making that stupid picture... regret nothing. Couldn't get the link it work right so just pasted it in the text


	6. Bucky's Health Scare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because webMD always tells you it's probably cancer

Having dragged himself up from the lab, Tony hummed happily as he sipped his hot, liquid gold from a hulk coffee cup. A sprinkling sound reminded him that his boyfriend was already up so he turned to lean against the counter to talk. “So, I think we need to take Bucky… James?”

James looked up from the floor and picked up his spoon to eat another bite of his lucky charms. “Hm? Take Bucky where?”

Tony knew something was up because the man kept eye contact as he trapped the spoon between his lips and chewed his cereal—and not in the sexy-fun way like yesterday but in that I-killed-the-maid way. “To the vet…”

James’ eyebrows furrowed. “What for?”

He pushed off the marble counter and slowly walked around the kitchen island to reach the mahogany table. “Do you not like your cereal anymore? I told you not to buy 10 boxes…”

“I like them fine, Ежик*.” The man took another bite for emphasis.

“Then why is it _all over the fl—”_ Tony stopped, stunned into silence, when two of James’ little Roombas came zooming in and crowded at his boyfriend’s feet to clean up what was _clearly_ a deliberate scattering of marshmallows across the floor. “Are… Are you _feeding_ the dogs?”

That bag of all marshmallows the man had ordered made so much more sense now—the lengthy conversation about the perfect ratio of 1 marshmallow to 5 cereal pieces was 10 minutes he wasn’t going to ever get back.

“Of course not, Tony, they’re machines,” James scoffed, stuffing his mouth again with another bite.

Tony thought back to their last movie night, when he’d sent James to get more popcorn and the man had come back with only half a bag’s worth. “Oh my god, you _are!_ ”

James actually blushed. “ _No_. My arm’s just acting up, alright?”

Tony set his cup down and rested a hip against the edge. “So you _haven’t_ been leaving food around for Mauser and Kimber here to eat.”

“You know that’s not Mauser, Tony. Mauser blinks incessantly when he’s excited—”

“—And what? Hates marshmallows?”

“… He prefers salty things…” James muttered, clearly uncomfortable as he folded and unfolded his arms repeatedly and refused to look Tony in the eye.

“Oh my god, how often are you doing this?!”

James stood, knocking the chair over. “They’re literally made to clean up; this is not a big deal!” The assassin ran his hand through his hair, forcing it out of his eyes as he tried to find a way out of the kitchen without stepping on his sprinkling of ‘puppy food’ or climbing over the table.

Tony recognized that rising-panic hunch to the man’s shoulders and, with a sigh, kicked some of the food out of the way so he could step out. He grabbed his cup and followed his boyfriend’s murder-strides towards the living room. “James. James! Come on, I think it’s adorable! But we need to talk about this.”

“Fuck you.”

“Win-ter…”

The man spun around. “You do strange things _all the time_ and I don’t make fun of _you_ , do I?”

“A, I am an absolute delight and, B, I’m not making fun of you!”

“ _Yes_ , you are. I feed them, what of it? They’re _my dogs_.”

Tony rubbed over his morning stubble with a sigh. He should have backed off; he _knew_ James got like this when he felt like something that was _his_ was being threatened—even if it wasn’t actually. Tony wanted to be supportive, but their first child was important too. “I think— _I hope_ —they might be feeding Bucky…”

“What?”

“Well, I was saying I wanted to take Bucky to the vet earlier because I thought he was acting weird and maybe looking bloated—and, I mean, squirrel cancer is totally a thing, right? I assumed he’d been eating stuffing from those stupid octopuses you two play with but now I think maybe these little shits are feeding him sugar!”

“…Oh…” The fight seemed to drain out of the man, quickly replaced by remorse. “Like some kind of baby?”

“Yeah… or the gimpy little brother who needs extra love…” Tony set his coffee on the coffee table and sidled up to the man. “I _do_ think it’s sweet that you want to feed your puppies, за́йчик*...”

James hooked an arm around him and yanked him close to bury his face in the genius’ hair. “I know it’s so stupid…”

“Not at all…” He scratched the man’s back soothingly. “I’m not saying you have to stop; I’m just saying maybe we stop feeding them marshmallows.”

James nodded.

“… Can I feed them too?”

James shook his head.

“Okay…” He kissed what he could touch reassuringly. “But this means they definitely don’t get to sleep in the bed anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Ежик, pronounced "yo-zh-ik" (zh is like the "ge" in mirage if it helps), means little hedgehog (pet name)
> 
> *за́йчик, pronounced “za-E-ch-k”, means bunny/hare (pet name). Spoiler nickname for the other series but Tony’s referencing the killer rabbit from Monty Python (and trying to be cool like James with Russian)


	7. Bucky Slims Down

“No—Bucky, I said no.”

James stopped in the doorway of the lab and watched Tony hold his spider-squirrel up and away from Bucky’s insistent pursuit.

“He gave you nuts; it’s not my fault you ate them all!” Tony leaned far away from the squirrel, who was trying to climb up his shirt. “Walther! Operation Exercise!”

James stared in horror as one of his dogs came zooming out from behind Dummy with an octopus ducktaped to his head.

“Bucky! Hydra!” Tony pointed and the squirrel instantly zeroed in on the doll. Bucky launched off Tony’s lap and started to chase after the dog. The genius set his own stuffed animal back on the corner of the table and went back to work.

James watched, fascinated, for a while before clearing his throat. “Tony.”

Tony lifted a foot to allow Walther through and Bucky to follow—clearly, he was watching them through the cameras. “Hm?”

“… Was your solution to the vet calling Bucky fat—”

“—which is _your_ dogs’ fault.”

James rolled his eyes. “Because of my dogs, was your solution to the vet calling Bucky fat to use his kill word to exercise him?”

“…Maybe…”

“You said _you_ were going to exercise him!”

“I am!”

“This is not what I meant!”

“Then you should have been more specific; this is sibling bonding!”

“You say that whenever I catch Dummy trying to ‘pet’ Bucky.”

“That’s what siblings do!”

“What happens if he scratches Walther?”

“Please, I gave Walther an upgrade—obviously; he’s scratch-proof now.”

James glanced down as Walther wiggled around James’ feet for a moment before darting off. Bucky, having sprung to try and catch his kill toy, landed on his leg and launched off. “… Is he also red?”

“I believe it is called ‘merlot’ since someone said hot rod red was ‘too flashy’,” Tony informed, using air quotes on the ‘tacky’ for emphasis.

“You’re never going to let that go.”

“Because you’re obviously wrong.”

James carefully made his way over to the other and waved a hand to make the hologram the genius had been working with disappear. He leaned a hip on the table and crossed his arms over his chest. “Why Walther?”

“He’s the only one who likes me now.”

“I think you’re exaggerating—the puppies love you.”

“Not since I kicked them out of the bed—thanks for making me the bad guy, by the way.”

“You have to be someone’s bad guy.”

“Seven-to-one is not fair.”

“One of them is like ninety percent eyes of betrayal—completely fair.”

“And seven make all sad-blinks and whirring noises.”

“They don’t whir, Tony.”

“Then that must be your arm telling me I’m a horrible dog-parent.”

“Is that why you built them that honeycomb thing over by Bucky’s bed?”

“I’m not having sex with seven sad-blinking, whirring Roombas standing by the bed.”

“Yes, you made that very clear…” James swiveled the man’s chair and hoisted him up across his hips.

“Mmm…” Tony wrapped his arms around the man’s neck. “Is that why you came to see me?”

“No, but it is now.” James stepped left when Walther zoomed by too close.

Tony smiled and kissed him. “I can get behind that…”

“I believe I get behind…” He leered, biting the man’s bottom lip.

“You are forbidden from hanging out with Wade…”

Both glanced over at the triumphant screech of their little squirrel demolishing an octopus in a flurry of stuffing while Walther beeped happily from underneath.

“Yeah… Maybe you were the one who shouldn’t be allowed pets, Ежик…”


	8. How the Hell is Bucky still Alive?

“Boss.”

“Yes, Friday.”

“Sergeant Barnes’ vitals have spiked.”

Tony stopped soldering and pushed his goggles back. “Like ‘I found out Tony took all my dog-marshmallows I’d secretly been hoarding’-spiked or ‘I need correction’-spiked?”

“His trajectory is towards the latter.”

Tony set his work down and tossed his goggles onto the lab table. “Where is he?”

“He is currently in the library.”

Tony wasn’t surprised; James had taken to the Library very quickly once he’d arrived. Tony couldn’t figure out if it was because everything in the place was old or because there was only one way in or out.

Or maybe he just liked to read?

The genius made his way to the elevator but detoured to where DUM-E sat. “Hey buddy, need to get to that box.”

DUM-E beeped and rolled back and force slightly in front of a reinforced safe, threateningly waving the fire-extinguisher.

“No, no; you’re doing a great job! I just need to borrow the contents in it real fast.” He glanced around and snatched up his spider-squirrel. “Here—I need you to protect this instead.”

DUM-E whirled and twittered beeps before moving out of the way. Tony knelt and keyed in the code. When it opened, he traded the bag of marshmallows with his stuffed animal, relocked it and saluted DUM-E. “Guard with your life, buddy—but _don’t_ extinguish Bucky, okay?”

The bot beeped excitedly as he headed towards the elevator.

“Is he still there? What’s happening?”

“He has not moved.”

When he reached their floor, he surveyed the rooms, looking for any sign of what would have triggered his boyfriend, as he made his way through to the kitchen and down the hall of the butler’s pantry.

Among the sea of books, Tony found James curled in his commandeered blanket-corner—the one filled with all the mysteriously missing soft blankets that once littered the common areas—cradling one of the bots. Garand, maybe? He could never tell any of them apart except for Mauser and Walther.

“за́йчик, everything okay?”

“He’s sick.”

Tony tossed the marshmallow bag onto the pantry counter, clearing his throat to cover the sound, as casually as he could before navigating the maze of books to reach his soldier. “What do you mean?”

“He isn’t blinking,” the man whispered.

So, must be Mauser. (so much for knowing that one)

James looked up and those stormy blue eyes were so upset he could almost see tears. Tony was struck at just how _young_ the man looked in his distress.

Maybe he hadn’t actually understood how much these things meant to James.

 “Hey, it’s okay…” Tony sat down in front of the pair and slipped his hands over James’. “He’s probably just sick…”

James glared. “Why’s he sick, Tony?”

“God, you make _one_ joke about doggie-cancer—”

“—I swear to god, Tony, if that update—”

“—I did not give the dogs probability cancer! Why would I even do that?”

“Because they only ever like you when they get sick and Mauser gets sick all the time!”

“Because you feed him _salt!_ ”

“ _You_ said I couldn’t feed him chips anymore because Bucky’s on a diet and he doesn’t eat the salt cubes so it’s fine!”

Tony sighed. “He probably just has one stuck in his foot again; you and Peter have _got_ to stop making these cubes so little.”

James crushed the little Roomba to his chest sadly. “It’s not like that—he still blinks when it’s that.”

Tony slumped, feeling awful. “How about you let me look at him, hm?”

The assassin scrutinized him—which, rude, he wasn’t going to take it and run off (like _someone_ had when Tony was in the middle of a reprimand)—for a moment before finally relenting his pet. Tony held it delicately with both hands, exaggerating a bit for James’ comfort, and set it in his lap.

“Is he dead?”

“No, he’s not dead.” Tony flipped the bot over. “Go get my tool kit.”

James launched himself from his nest and went looking. Tony quietly pet the bot’s little head sensor as he waited—it _was_ a bit concerning that there was no response or little incessant blink.

The man _literally jumped_ several of the piles in his haste, dumping the box almost on Tony’s head.

“Hey! Careful!”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t sound sorry,” he grumbled as he pulled out a screwdriver and started to take off Mauser’s casing. “Has anything weird happened?”

“No.”

Tony paused after he popped off the casing. He slowly picked up the dog and flipped him over.

Water poured out.

“Want to try again?”

“… Aren’t they water-proof?”

“Why would they be water-proof?! They live in the house!”

“They soak up water all the time!”

“In their dust bins, not their body! How did this happen?”

“… He jumped into the pool when Bucky and I were swimming.”

“Do squirrels even like water?!”

“No. No, they don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know about you guys but I'm chop-liver if literally ANYONE else is within sensing distance unless my dogs are sick


	9. The One Day James leaves the Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meltdowns occur

James pulled out his cellphone and glanced at the caller-ID: Wabbit Humper.

Honestly, at least it was better than the last one: Dick Garage.

He accepted the video call as he picked up a sample card. “Мышка*, what do you think about this color for Steyr?” He pointed the phone. “It’s called ‘mermaid net’—”

“COME HOME RIGHT NOW AND DEAL WITH YOUR SON!”

James held the phone away from himself in surprise. “What—Peter’s right here.” He waved the boy off when he’d perked at his name.

“ _Not that one!_ ”

“What happened? Why are you covered in…” James made a motion at the video screen to encompass what clearly looked like a grease-stained genius who’d rolled around in what lives under the dryer.

“BUCKY HAPPENED!”

James held the phone out a bit more. “Why is he always my son when he’s in trouble?”

“NO. No. Do not start with me; I have spent the last _three hours_ losing a WAR against a FUCKING SQUIRREL. You are no longer allowed to teach him whatever squirrel ninja shit you’ve been doing—is this why you put him in the pool?” The man paused, looking off screen and tapping his chin. “Oh—maybe I should chase him into the pool,” he mused quietly.

“No; no, don’t do that. I’m sure it’s not that bad—what did he steal? Wait, is it something poisonous?”

“If by poisonous you mean will it cause his _death_ , then yes, because I am going to wring that little chubby neck when I get ahold of him!”

“Sugar, calm down.”

“NO! _You_ calm down!”

“I am not the one screaming.”

Tony screamed in frustration and hung up.

“What was that about?”

James glanced over at Peter and shrugged. “Tony’s lost his mind.”

“I thought Mr. Stark was supposed to be relaxing today.”

“I guess he got bored.”

Peter gave a ‘what can you do’ shrug. “How about Spider-man blue.” The boy held up a paint chip.

“First of all, there is absolutely no such color named that and, second, that clearly says Patriot blue.”

“It’s _basically_ my untrademarked name.”

“Why did I bring you?”

James’ phone vibrated again, and, after two back-to-back calls, he moved to take the call outside. “Tony—”

“WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ACORNS IN THIS HOUSE!”

“Because that’s what squirrels do in the fall.”

“He lives indoors!”

“Doll, I don’t know what to tell you—squirrels are squirrels.”

“Are you on your way home?!”

“Of course not, you _hung up on me_ and, also, I don’t want to.”

“Do I _look_ like I was giving you an option?!”

“No, you look like a rabid chicken.”

“COME THE FUCK HOME!”

“What the hell did he take that has you this cr—upset,” he corrected.

“He was in the lab—”

“— _I thought we agreed,_ ” he growled, “that he wouldn’t go down there while the dogs were disassembled.”

“Well maybe _someone_ shouldn’t have taught him how to get into the vents!”

“We _both_ agreed he needed more space—or do you want all those acorns in your suits again?”

Tony made a loud, incoherent sound of frustration. “ _Anyway_ —”

“And also, I put a lock on your vent for this reason, so, whatever this is, it’s your own fault.”

“Don’t act all high and mighty, I found his marshmallow stashes, James—like _five of them._ ”

“…Those are probably old.”

“They’re still soft!”

“Those marshmallows have never been soft, Tony—they’re dehydrated.”

Tony huffed repeatedly through his nose, jaw clenched tight. “Fine! Whatever! Come home and fix this for me!”

“Tony—”

“—He stole one of the dogs’ FIDO chips, James! Do you _want_ a new dog because you’re getting a new dog unless YOU COME AND HANDLE YOUR CHILD.”

 “…It’s Walther’s, isn’t it.”

“…JUST COME HOME!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Мышка (myshka) - little mouse


	10. Bribes are Required

James swept into the bedroom and kicked open the large trunk he kept in the seating area. Sorting through the various weapons, he pulled out a brand-new octopus toy and headed out. “Where are they, Miss Friday?”

“They are on the communal floor, Sergeant Barnes.”

The assassin nodded and took the hidden set of stairs.

“I believe we have reached code Skittle-in-the-M&Ms.”

“I’m positive we hit that when he was ranting about vasectomies.”

“He has only made an appointment for you, Sergeant.”

 “Stop encouraging him!” James took the rest of the stairs a flight at a time. “And cancel that!” The assassin burst through the door to the chaotic scene of overturned _everything_ and a resident genius splayed out on the floor like an over-dramatic homicide victim.

He rolled his eyes as he strode past the man to the middle of the room.  “Bucky!” He called and tossed the octopus on the ground. “Hydra!” He crossed his arms and waited.

A little ball of fury scaled the room from one of the vents and ferociously—as ferocious as a slightly-overweight squirrel could—attacked the stuffed animal.

“Tony, was that so—” James turned into a face full of acorns. “—Really?”

Tony glared at him from his place on the floor.

“Get up.”

The man picked up another acorn—why the hell were there so many all over the goddamn floor? —and threw it at him instead. “You _really_ think I didn’t think of that hours ago?!”

James slapped it away. “Did you?”

“No! But that isn’t the point!”

“I feel like it’s the point.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well, jokes on you because he’s hidden the chip and now you’re going to have to find it!”

“Why do _I_ have to find it? This wouldn’t have happened if you’d locked the vent!”

“James!”

“Tony!”

“I’m not finishing any of them if you don’t help me!”

“You can’t hold them ransom over Walther!”

“You don’t know it’s Walther!”

“It’s obviously Walther, Tony!”

“Help me find my dog!” Tony threw another handful of acorns at him.

James turned his face to avoid getting hit and took a deep breath to keep his temper. “I swear to god, Tony—”

“—I’ll have sex with you on Steve’s bed.”

He scoffed. “I just have to blink at you, and you’ll have sex with me wherever I want.”

Instantly regretting his words, James dove forward just as the man made a move to grab up and throw yet _another_ handful at him.

“Tony!”

“Fuck you!”

“Serious! Stop. Throwing. Things.”

They struggled for a few moments but, ultimately far larger and out of patience, James forced the man’s wrists between their chests and proceeded to go limp on top of his lover. Tony struggled a little more in a show of typical stubbornness, but James had clearly won. (like always)

“Uggh! _Fine_ —the marksman thing,” he bargained.

“You said we couldn’t ever do that one again.”

“I had six casing burns and AstroTurf embedded in my hands and knees!”

“I’m not changing rifles,” he insisted.

“…Are you already getting hard over this?!”

“I don’t make fun of your math thing!”

“I hate you so much right now.”

“And yet?” He shifted his hips in emphasis.

“Whatever! God—we’ll do it up at the compound and I’m bringing a blanket.”

“Four extra target trials.”

“One.”

“Six.”

“Two and I make them moving targets.”

“Where have you not looked yet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winter likes to test his skills in hard situations. (Ba-dum-dum)


End file.
